Logan Huntzberger's Rules for Dating

Logan Huntzberger's is often touted as the ultimate suitor for Rory Gilmore. With his quick-witted verbal sparring, Prince Charming good looks, and undeniable charm, it's easy to understand how a casual evaluation could lead one to this conclusion.  With the Gilmore girls revival just around the corner, now seems like the right time for a lesson in dating- Logan style.

 

Rule #1- Be rich. The kind of rich that allows your family to look down their plastic noses at Gilmore money.

 

Rule #2- Be exceptionally good-looking. This is the closest thing to a job you should ever have.

 

Rule #3- Be a bad boy. Seriously.  I'm not talking a Dean-off-the-bus-from-Chicago, 90s knee length trench coat, floppy - haired bad boy; or a cool, bookish, monosyllabic, gel'd haired Jess Mariano bad boy. I'm talking really bad. Break all the rules; heck, break all the laws. Get booted from school after school until only daddy's money and connections can save you. Live the lazy, worthless, playboy lifestyle to the hilt. Why? Two reasons: First, because you can. You're rich. You're beautiful.  You're untouchable. You're bored. Secondly, chicks love a bad boy.

 

Rule #4- Be a jerk, but for goodness sake, be charming about it! This is extremely important.  It is crucial that during your first few encounters with the girl you are pursuing, she regard you as the most shallow, worthless jerk on the planet- but a charming and exciting one ;D Plan an outrageous stunt to humiliate her in public, but make it something exciting  that could be regarded as "sweet".

 

Rule #5- Be adventurous. After all, besides pissing off the parents and spending their dough, what else do you have to do? Travel the world. Jump off cliffs. Follow a huge wheel of cheese down a really steep hill. Chicks love a guy who inspires them to take risks and challenges them to live a little on the edge.

 

Rule #6- Let her come to you. Throw out your charming, rich, adventurous net and see what you drag in.

 

Rule #7- Once you have her, mess stuff up. A lot. You want the fact that you are a worthless, butt-faced miscreant to be well-documented and firmly entrenched in her mind, from day one. She'll try to "help" (i.e. change) you, but as long as you stay rich and attractive, you're in like Flynn.  At such time as you have solidified your screw up status, throw her a curve ball once in a while by pulling your crap together and bailing her out of a tough day at work or having dinner with her grandparents. This is "normal" boyfriend stuff, but by doing it only occasionally and in between screwups, it will seem super special.

 

Rule #8- Avoid her friends and family as long as possible. Should you be forced into a situation where you have to meet them, do something really obnoxious like stealing a knick - knack or being a condescending jerk. Disguise your belittling as honesty unless the friend is an ex-boyfriend. In this case make no attempt to play nice. Use big words and put down his brightest accomplishments. *BONUS* When your girl storms off in a huff after you've berated her former boy-toy, you're free to assume you are broken up, thereby freeing you up to have sex with all the chick's you've been missing out on while in this "relationship".

 

Also, NEVER visit her on her home turf. Do not go to her home town until it's time to propose or you need a note from her mommy.

 

Rule #9- Grand gestures. Since you'll be screwing up a lot, you'll need a quick way to patch things up. Grand gestures are great, but time consuming. They usually require a lot of thinking and planning and even work. Meh. Instead, I suggest the Grand Genarasture. Here's how it works-money. Whenever your girl is in a tiff, just throw some of daddy's money at the problem. Do things that seem like grand gestures, but which require no thought or effort. Endless bouquets of flowers. Truckloads of candy. A coffee cart for a day.

 

Grand Generastures work great for gift giving as well. The more expensive, and less labor intensive and creative, the better. Hand over your car and driver for a day. Buy her a Birkin Bag. Set her up in your posh apartment.

 

You may ask, "But Logan, won't she realize these are only hollow gestures that require only money and a phone call?" If she does, dump her. (But she won't.)

 

Rule #10- Bond with her loser dad. After all, he's the future you!

 

Rule #11- Pretend to "clean up your act" by spending a year in Europe, "working" and meeting cute British girls with boys names. Once this plays out, blow millions of dollars in a hair-brained scheme. The sympathy you'll win will earn you months of getting out of stuff you don't want to do and blowing off steam while globe-trotting with your even more worthless pals.

 

Rule #12- Propose in a manner which will make her so uncomfortable she just may say yes to escape the embarrassment. 

 

Follow these rules to land the perfect starter wife. And don't worry, if she turns you down you'll still have a fandom of girls mesmerized by your charm, good looks and bad boy spirit swooning for you. Who knows,  they may even beg for you and she to be reunited ;)